Six Months

Six months. I have six months until I leave, and to be perfectly honest, I'm terrified. I had such a hard time making friends here, and though my older sister says the real world isn't anything like CHCA, I am mortified. What if I'm in the same situation as I was here? What if nobody likes me? And worse than that is the fear of leaving my friends behind. It is ironic that I started making close friends the same year I was told I'm leaving. And yet, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I am happy to have become close to them and I will miss them terribly. Some of them even jumped at the chance to offer me their homes to stay in my senior year if I chose to stay, and some times I think of how wonderful it would be to stay and graduate here and I question what the best choice for me would be.

Six months. I just finished my last final exam and time is ticking. It's going to be 2014 for crying out loud! Soon it'll be Christmas and then Valentines Day, then my birthday and Easter and finally it will be summer again. Except this time, I won't be staying in town and I'll be seventeen. I feel like my days are numbered and all excitement at the thought of Europe is gone. Now I'm dreading the day that I'll have to say goodbye.

Why Love?

So amid my non-existent-relationship issues, I questioned the purpose of love and why I had not already moved on. And then I came across a curious piece of insight I wrote for class months ago:

Why Love if Losing Hurts So Much by Cynthia A.

I think love is a key aspect in our relationships with others and with God. However, loving does place us in a vulnerable state because it causes us to open up entirely to another person. Despite the pain of love, I think loving is necessary. The benefits of loving far exceed the costs and the more we allow ourselves to feel and love, the better we will become as human beings. In Shadowlands, C.S. Lewis learns to care for Joy and in doing so becomes a happier man. His love for her also gave her son a father and gave Joy comfort in her final moments. His choice to love not only bettered his life, but the lives of those he grew to care for. I think when choosing to love we must refrain from dwelling too much on the future and consider the state of happiness we are currently in. In the present, the presence of love increases the happiness in our lives as well as the willingness we have to live.

Now if only I could forget the future and live happily in the now... Though reading this made me realize that despite what may or may not happen between me and him, I can't let it define me. I refuse to let myself fall into a pit of despair, especially in my last six months here. I have to live day to day and quit worrying about what the future will bring, because whatever happens, I'll be fine. I'll manage like I've always managed.

Final Exams and Thoughts of Love

As final exams approach, the last thing I can bring myself to do is open my books and study. I am obviously not going to risk my chances at earning an A en AP English for the semester, but it's hard to end this horrid procrastination cycle I'm stuck in.

Instead, I'm sitting around watching One Tree Hill. Is it a bad thing that I watch the millions of problems the characters have because it makes me feel better about mine? As final exams approach, studying is the last thing on my mind. Instead, I am thinking nine days in advance to Christmas Eve, and New Year's Eve, and the school dance in February, two days before my birthday. And how much I'm dying for him to turn around and tell me he was wrong to say no. Though it sounds cliche, all I want for Christmas is him. I thought I was over him, but the last two days have made me think of him more and more. A girl from school invited me to her New Years Eve party and claimed she could set us up. Though I won't be in town during break, I still doubt that it could ever happen between us anyways.

And Dylan got himself a new girlfriend. It doesn't sadden me that he did, I'm glad he's completely moved on, I just wish that he would talk to me again. He still doesn't acknowledge me, and I have no idea why. I've decided to confront him. But I've turned it into a game, and maybe it's just a coping method for my loss of a friend. I texted him the other day, and I noticed he read it, but he still didn't reply. I wish he'd stop acting like a child. And I don't understand why he doesn't talk to me now that he has another girlfriend. I've been trying, it's not like I haven't tried hard enough but I guess he's the type of guy that just doesn't care about anyone but himself. In that case, I really, really, really wish his new girlfriend luck. I don't know her, but I hope he actually tries hard with her, and tries to see her every weekend like a boyfriend should. I hope that through tough times he'll hold her and make her feel better. If not, he'll just be another jerk who doesn't deserve her.

My friend Lucas has also been going through the same thing, in which the girl he asked out isn't looking for a relationship. And I want to make him feel better, to tell him that everything works out, but I'm in the same situation and I know love doesn't always work. Especially if you're leaving in six months.

Rough

The timing of these last two posts is impeccable. It took me a while to finish writing the last post, and so these two are being published at the same time.

If asked a week ago, I would've sworn that I had moved on. I thought I wasn't affected, and that all I wanted was to be friends. And yet I realize now that I still like him, that I would still love for him to look me in the eyes and tell me he feels it too. But he won't. I just can't seem to bury my feelings for him deep enough.

On a different note, perhaps a slightly more depressing one, Dylan found himself a new girlfriend. The same girl he went to the movies with two days after we broke up. I'm not sure if it bothers me yet, I just wish he'd had the decency to wait a little longer, perhaps a month, before he started dating again. Not started dating two days after, and have a girlfriend two months after. But it's not so much the fact that after a long day I was ambushed by a large declaration online. It reminded me of people's need to make everything public, and display their lives in front of everybody. I have to admit that I'm guilty of this too, the day he said no, I posted the fact that I'm moving to Belgium online. Maybe because I wanted my friends from Venezuela to know without individually telling them, maybe because I had to prove to myself that I was leaving, so I didn't need him to like me back. I'm starting to think that I posted it, because I wanted to place a barrier in between me and my feelings, convince myself I didn't like him and couldn't, because I was leaving.

But,  his comment on the online acclamation hurt. I was hurt by his jump for joy at Dylan's new relationship. His comment essentially destroyed the barrier I had built up. I was flooded with emotions. He told me that he couldn't go on a date with me because it had only been a couple of months since our break up, and they happen to be very close friends. But he knows Dylan moved on the second we ended. So what is the issue? Dylan already has another girlfriend, which means that he is just using Dylan as an excuse. Which means he's skirting again. Which makes me question why he doesn't just tell me that he's just not that into me.

He Changed His Mind

He changed his mind. I figured something was up when he didn't answer any of my text messages that same weekend. It wasn't until I brought it up in math (through writing, because I'm terrible at having serious conversations without making it awkward) that he stated to me that he was sorry for the misunderstanding between us and that it was too early since my break up with Dylan. It hit me that it has only been roughly two months since we broke up, and yet it's feels like it's been at least a year because of the way he's cut me out of his life.

The prompt rejection, surprisingly, has not affected me as much as I thought it would. Though I was hurt at first (it felt like a slap in the face), I had nothing to cry about, or over and later, I was surprisingly fine. The idea of having a relationship is, for me, currently nonexistent. I don't know why, but when he said we could be friends, it was all I needed to hear. Sure, it wasn't nearly as sweet as a 'yes' would've been, but it was good enough for me. And maybe it was because at this point I'm happy that at least one of the groupies is still talking to me. Or maybe I didn't like him as much as I thought I did. I was more affected by the fact that I wish he had said no in the first place, it would've hurt less. But what is a girl to do, right? I'm happy to have my friend still.

And yet, I heard from a little bird that he was talking to Dylan's brother and friend that same week, so maybe that's what changed his mind. It would make the world of sense if that was true. But the point is that he changed his mind, and that he doesn't see me as anything more than a friend. So I asked  him if he wanted to watch a movie as friends, like I've done a hundred times with my guyfriends back home, and he said yes. But now, apparently, he doesn't think that I can hang out only as friends, that I'll take it to mean something more. I can, I know I can. I just wish he'd give me the chance to prove him wrong. I hate it that he changed his mind in that respect again. Why can't the boy make up his mind? He thinks he won't hurt me if he skirts around the truth, but saying yes isn't a caring way to say no. I just wish, more than anything, more than him saying yes, that he'd tell me the truth. Why does he say yes to my face and no behind my back? It's worse than saying no altogether.

It's a Date!

I finally asked. I couldn't hold in the yearning and the curiosity that was burning inside me. So today in detention, which I got because of my ten second tardy to English, I plopped down next to him and passed him a note that said "do you want to watch a movie with me sometime?" (very subtle... I know). I had to force myself to pass it to him because there were only fifteen minutes left of the time in which I would be in the same detention room as him (he used his phone in his Latin class). So I closed my eyes, held my breath, passed it to him and cursed at myself immediately. Anyways, he took a long time to reply and I was scared for him to find me staring at him, so I looked down and continued working on my homework so I didn't see his reaction as he read the note. After a minute I started to fret. If he didn't have an answer already, it was probably because he was finding a way to let me down gently. So when he returned it, I had to hold my breath again and braced myself for the let down, before I jumped in. 

He had replied "well that depends greatly on the movie, doesn't it?" and I realized he was trying to lighten the mood. I told him I'd let him choose. And he cracked a joke by saying something along the lines of "if you agree to use mm/dd/yy as the way to write the date while in America". That did it, I couldn't stop laughing and the fact that everyone was staring at me as I broke the silence with my awkward laugh. You see, because I'm Latin American I write the date dd/mm/yy and we've been debating all semester about the correct way to write the date. Basically at the end he said we would have a lot to mediate about. But, essentially he said yes!! I am extremely excited, I couldn't keep the smile off of my face and was practically skipping. Sure, another boy in my grade threatened to insult me if I didn't shut up when trying to correct his poor math (and he's in AP calc...). Man that kid can't accept his mistakes! He feels the need to cover his stupidity by slapping people with insults. However, I was unwilling to let his pessimism ruin my day. I was soaring, enough to zone out during Academic Team practice when I should have been trying to answer questions. 

What did make me incredibly angry was when J (my sophomore friend) wrote down on a piece of paper "Cynthia loves him" and everyone saw. So now all of his friends know that I like him. And though I was furious at first, I came to my senses. He already knew that I liked him... I had asked him out on a date! So I forgave J and wasn't mad at him anymore. So now I am acting like a stereotypical teenage girl and stressing out over how long it took him to reply and over analyzing all of the details. And because I had to leave before he did, I couldn't agree with him on the details of our date... so I texted him, but he's not really a texting kind of guy, despite being caught with his phone in class... and he hasn't replied. So I'm stressing out. 

But over all I'm ecstatic. I have a date! <3

Unavoidable Truth

My father made it known to me recently the fact that I will not be graduating with my friends here in Cincinnati next year. When he first told me that there was a slight chance we were moving yet again, I instantly felt relief. I was not as close to my friend Sadie as I am now, and at the time I didn't believe I had many friends. But now as I reflect upon my experiences here, I am sad to see it all go at the end of the year. I am certainly not looking forward to being a new student my senior year of high school, a year in which most have already shared years of memories with their closest friends, though I don't mind having a clean slate to start with next year. A third of me is already planning ahead, while the rest seems intent on finding a way to stay here.

Though moving to Belgium does throw a wrench in my plans to graduate completing a certain number of AP courses, I realize that this is a great academic opportunity. Of course, I am not so hung up on the fact that I will now be taking IB instead of AP which means that I might need a fifth year of high school to complete the program and get an IB diploma, than I am the fact that my new school will not offer Chinese. And yet these are all tiny details that linger in the back of my mind as I face the more pressing issue of how I will gather the courage to not cry at the end of the school year, despite the fact that I did not spend as much time here as I did in Venezuela. I have to admit that, much to my surprise, I have grown attached to the lifestyle the U.S. has to offer, and I am sad to be losing some of the privileges I gained here, like learning how to drive at the age of sixteen.

I also admit that I am afraid to reveal the fact that I'm leaving to the friends that I do have, in fear that they will start to move on and keep me at arms length away. Though I guess telling them would make it clear to me which of the people that I've spent the last year and a half with are saddened, and which are not bothered at all. I am even more afraid to let him know that I'm moving because I feel like it will ruin any chance (assuming there is one) of him liking me back. I'm scared that he will instantly lose any interest (again, I'm making assumptions) he could have had in me. I kind of want to ask him out on a date first, see how that goes and then tell him afterwards... or just let everyone know at the end of the semester which is sadly, not too far away.

However, my deepest fear about all of this, is that I will start separating myself from everyone else as I did at the end of my freshman year because I had the idea that I needed to start the process early so that it would be easier to cope with when the time came. I do not want to spend my last year here feeling nostalgia and counting the days instead of living them. I hope that I spend my last year well, so I have good memories to leave with, and not regret that I did not participate more than I did. My mentality this during the last 3/4 of my time here is that I have to take risks and put myself out there. It is time that I forget what everyone else thinks of me and do what I want to do. After all, it's my last year here and in the end, the judgmental looks of those that don't like me will be left behind the second the airplane to Europe leaves the ground.

Lucid Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night, and maybe it was only strange because of how normal it actually was. I realized that if I didn't write it down soon enough, I would forget it. Many a dream have passed me by in which I have not had means to put pen to paper and write it down, and I am not about to do that again this time. At least not with this particular dream. It was the first dream he was in, and in my honest, vulnerable opinion, dreaming about a guy is a way of confirming that I really like him. Which is what made this dream extra special, and not your average undecipherable stream of consciousness (borrowed this phrase from my close friend's blog title...).

The beginning is hazy, as dreams always are, but I can remember myself standing at somewhere (and I hate to be this general) and he was standing in front of me. I was speaking to a friend of mine and I kept peaking over her shoulder to see his face, and sure enough in one of those moments our eyes met. Instinctively, I looked down immediately and blushed until my cheeks held a tone of rouge. But it was sweet because he kept looking at me every once in a while. I remember my friend would look at me with a jokingly scornful expression as she realized that we both wanted to talk to each other but no one was making any move to do so. The scene swiftly changes into one where I am have a sudden surge of confidence at a get together and saw him sitting near the groupies (as I like to call his friends). We had been eyeing each other for about an hour but no one had said anything. Eventually I walked up to him sat down on his lap and kissed him. As I was getting up he pulled me back onto his lap and kissed me again.

And I loved everything about it, except for the fact that the groupies were all looking at me scornfully, Dylan among them. Despite the fact that these were his best friends, he didn't care; I couldn't help but feel insecure as he held my hand and the groupies slowly moved away.

So I have no idea what to make out of this dream. It is almost entirely lucid, and so you would assume that it its meaning is blatant. And yet, I can't help but feel, well hope rather, that one of these will happen if not both, and it doesn't appear to be the kiss.

Dreams stem from the deep subconscious, and whether we know ourselves enough to acknowledge our deepest wish or not, I have a feeling that this dream speaks to how much I have grown to like him in the month that I have liked him...

It's starting to worry me... I guess I'm in this for the long haul.

Liking Someone New

It's difficult, picking up the pieces and starting over. After my last relationship deteriorated, I would have expected a long wait before falling again, a long wait before feeling curious, cautious, and giddy. Despite the fact that my seven month relationship with Dylan ended mutually, I kind of believed that I wouldn't move on for quite a bit. It wasn't until I fell again that I realized I had moved on months before it had ended, months before we had officially called it off. But the tragic thing is that the romantic roller-coaster isn't over for me... not yet at least. 

I promise it's a good thing. I'm happy to like someone again. Some days I feel like I'm still in middle school, running away from the boy I like, laughing and blushing when people poke fun at me, and it makes me both happy and nostalgic simultaneously. Every time he laughs, I feel compelled to laugh alongside him. And when he looks at me, I melt. Because when he looks at me, I imagine him looking at me like I look at him and I see possibilities. I see us being together and it fits. We debate over stupidities, and when I make him laugh I see a glint of hope in his eyes... maybe it's just a reflection of the hope in mine. But when he laughs at something I said... it makes me feel important, needed, cared for... and that's something that doesn't happen too often. He helps me when I don't understand math, and as he writes on my paper and solves the problem, it takes all of my energy to will myself not to look up into his brown eyes, or I'll lose focus. 

I just love it, I love all of it. Not knowing whether he likes me back, not knowing if he looks at me the same way, pretending that he is clueless and liking him from a distance. It's exhilarating. It's changed me... I haven't watched this many romantic comedies in years, and after everyone it makes me feel giddy and sad again. I just.. I want to be the girl who ends up with the guy in the end. I want to have my happy ending, I mean who doesn't? And every time that I see a glimmer of hope that he might like me back, the back of my mind says he doesn't and that he never will. And yet, I still hope. The question now is do I tell him, or not?