Six months. I have six months until I leave, and to be perfectly honest, I'm terrified. I had such a hard time making friends here, and though my older sister says the real world isn't anything like CHCA, I am mortified. What if I'm in the same situation as I was here? What if nobody likes me? And worse than that is the fear of leaving my friends behind. It is ironic that I started making close friends the same year I was told I'm leaving. And yet, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I am happy to have become close to them and I will miss them terribly. Some of them even jumped at the chance to offer me their homes to stay in my senior year if I chose to stay, and some times I think of how wonderful it would be to stay and graduate here and I question what the best choice for me would be.
Six months. I just finished my last final exam and time is ticking. It's going to be 2014 for crying out loud! Soon it'll be Christmas and then Valentines Day, then my birthday and Easter and finally it will be summer again. Except this time, I won't be staying in town and I'll be seventeen. I feel like my days are numbered and all excitement at the thought of Europe is gone. Now I'm dreading the day that I'll have to say goodbye.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Why Love?
So amid my non-existent-relationship issues, I questioned the purpose of love and why I had not already moved on. And then I came across a curious piece of insight I wrote for class months ago:
Why Love if Losing Hurts So Much by Cynthia A.
I think love is a key aspect in our relationships with others and with God. However, loving does place us in a vulnerable state because it causes us to open up entirely to another person. Despite the pain of love, I think loving is necessary. The benefits of loving far exceed the costs and the more we allow ourselves to feel and love, the better we will become as human beings. In Shadowlands, C.S. Lewis learns to care for Joy and in doing so becomes a happier man. His love for her also gave her son a father and gave Joy comfort in her final moments. His choice to love not only bettered his life, but the lives of those he grew to care for. I think when choosing to love we must refrain from dwelling too much on the future and consider the state of happiness we are currently in. In the present, the presence of love increases the happiness in our lives as well as the willingness we have to live.
Now if only I could forget the future and live happily in the now... Though reading this made me realize that despite what may or may not happen between me and him, I can't let it define me. I refuse to let myself fall into a pit of despair, especially in my last six months here. I have to live day to day and quit worrying about what the future will bring, because whatever happens, I'll be fine. I'll manage like I've always managed.
Why Love if Losing Hurts So Much by Cynthia A.
I think love is a key aspect in our relationships with others and with God. However, loving does place us in a vulnerable state because it causes us to open up entirely to another person. Despite the pain of love, I think loving is necessary. The benefits of loving far exceed the costs and the more we allow ourselves to feel and love, the better we will become as human beings. In Shadowlands, C.S. Lewis learns to care for Joy and in doing so becomes a happier man. His love for her also gave her son a father and gave Joy comfort in her final moments. His choice to love not only bettered his life, but the lives of those he grew to care for. I think when choosing to love we must refrain from dwelling too much on the future and consider the state of happiness we are currently in. In the present, the presence of love increases the happiness in our lives as well as the willingness we have to live.
Now if only I could forget the future and live happily in the now... Though reading this made me realize that despite what may or may not happen between me and him, I can't let it define me. I refuse to let myself fall into a pit of despair, especially in my last six months here. I have to live day to day and quit worrying about what the future will bring, because whatever happens, I'll be fine. I'll manage like I've always managed.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Final Exams and Thoughts of Love
As final exams approach, the last thing I can bring myself to do is open my books and study. I am obviously not going to risk my chances at earning an A en AP English for the semester, but it's hard to end this horrid procrastination cycle I'm stuck in.
Instead, I'm sitting around watching One Tree Hill. Is it a bad thing that I watch the millions of problems the characters have because it makes me feel better about mine? As final exams approach, studying is the last thing on my mind. Instead, I am thinking nine days in advance to Christmas Eve, and New Year's Eve, and the school dance in February, two days before my birthday. And how much I'm dying for him to turn around and tell me he was wrong to say no. Though it sounds cliche, all I want for Christmas is him. I thought I was over him, but the last two days have made me think of him more and more. A girl from school invited me to her New Years Eve party and claimed she could set us up. Though I won't be in town during break, I still doubt that it could ever happen between us anyways.
And Dylan got himself a new girlfriend. It doesn't sadden me that he did, I'm glad he's completely moved on, I just wish that he would talk to me again. He still doesn't acknowledge me, and I have no idea why. I've decided to confront him. But I've turned it into a game, and maybe it's just a coping method for my loss of a friend. I texted him the other day, and I noticed he read it, but he still didn't reply. I wish he'd stop acting like a child. And I don't understand why he doesn't talk to me now that he has another girlfriend. I've been trying, it's not like I haven't tried hard enough but I guess he's the type of guy that just doesn't care about anyone but himself. In that case, I really, really, really wish his new girlfriend luck. I don't know her, but I hope he actually tries hard with her, and tries to see her every weekend like a boyfriend should. I hope that through tough times he'll hold her and make her feel better. If not, he'll just be another jerk who doesn't deserve her.
My friend Lucas has also been going through the same thing, in which the girl he asked out isn't looking for a relationship. And I want to make him feel better, to tell him that everything works out, but I'm in the same situation and I know love doesn't always work. Especially if you're leaving in six months.
Instead, I'm sitting around watching One Tree Hill. Is it a bad thing that I watch the millions of problems the characters have because it makes me feel better about mine? As final exams approach, studying is the last thing on my mind. Instead, I am thinking nine days in advance to Christmas Eve, and New Year's Eve, and the school dance in February, two days before my birthday. And how much I'm dying for him to turn around and tell me he was wrong to say no. Though it sounds cliche, all I want for Christmas is him. I thought I was over him, but the last two days have made me think of him more and more. A girl from school invited me to her New Years Eve party and claimed she could set us up. Though I won't be in town during break, I still doubt that it could ever happen between us anyways.
And Dylan got himself a new girlfriend. It doesn't sadden me that he did, I'm glad he's completely moved on, I just wish that he would talk to me again. He still doesn't acknowledge me, and I have no idea why. I've decided to confront him. But I've turned it into a game, and maybe it's just a coping method for my loss of a friend. I texted him the other day, and I noticed he read it, but he still didn't reply. I wish he'd stop acting like a child. And I don't understand why he doesn't talk to me now that he has another girlfriend. I've been trying, it's not like I haven't tried hard enough but I guess he's the type of guy that just doesn't care about anyone but himself. In that case, I really, really, really wish his new girlfriend luck. I don't know her, but I hope he actually tries hard with her, and tries to see her every weekend like a boyfriend should. I hope that through tough times he'll hold her and make her feel better. If not, he'll just be another jerk who doesn't deserve her.
My friend Lucas has also been going through the same thing, in which the girl he asked out isn't looking for a relationship. And I want to make him feel better, to tell him that everything works out, but I'm in the same situation and I know love doesn't always work. Especially if you're leaving in six months.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Rough
The timing of these last two posts is impeccable. It took me a while to finish writing the last post, and so these two are being published at the same time.
If asked a week ago, I would've sworn that I had moved on. I thought I wasn't affected, and that all I wanted was to be friends. And yet I realize now that I still like him, that I would still love for him to look me in the eyes and tell me he feels it too. But he won't. I just can't seem to bury my feelings for him deep enough.
On a different note, perhaps a slightly more depressing one, Dylan found himself a new girlfriend. The same girl he went to the movies with two days after we broke up. I'm not sure if it bothers me yet, I just wish he'd had the decency to wait a little longer, perhaps a month, before he started dating again. Not started dating two days after, and have a girlfriend two months after. But it's not so much the fact that after a long day I was ambushed by a large declaration online. It reminded me of people's need to make everything public, and display their lives in front of everybody. I have to admit that I'm guilty of this too, the day he said no, I posted the fact that I'm moving to Belgium online. Maybe because I wanted my friends from Venezuela to know without individually telling them, maybe because I had to prove to myself that I was leaving, so I didn't need him to like me back. I'm starting to think that I posted it, because I wanted to place a barrier in between me and my feelings, convince myself I didn't like him and couldn't, because I was leaving.
But, his comment on the online acclamation hurt. I was hurt by his jump for joy at Dylan's new relationship. His comment essentially destroyed the barrier I had built up. I was flooded with emotions. He told me that he couldn't go on a date with me because it had only been a couple of months since our break up, and they happen to be very close friends. But he knows Dylan moved on the second we ended. So what is the issue? Dylan already has another girlfriend, which means that he is just using Dylan as an excuse. Which means he's skirting again. Which makes me question why he doesn't just tell me that he's just not that into me.
If asked a week ago, I would've sworn that I had moved on. I thought I wasn't affected, and that all I wanted was to be friends. And yet I realize now that I still like him, that I would still love for him to look me in the eyes and tell me he feels it too. But he won't. I just can't seem to bury my feelings for him deep enough.
On a different note, perhaps a slightly more depressing one, Dylan found himself a new girlfriend. The same girl he went to the movies with two days after we broke up. I'm not sure if it bothers me yet, I just wish he'd had the decency to wait a little longer, perhaps a month, before he started dating again. Not started dating two days after, and have a girlfriend two months after. But it's not so much the fact that after a long day I was ambushed by a large declaration online. It reminded me of people's need to make everything public, and display their lives in front of everybody. I have to admit that I'm guilty of this too, the day he said no, I posted the fact that I'm moving to Belgium online. Maybe because I wanted my friends from Venezuela to know without individually telling them, maybe because I had to prove to myself that I was leaving, so I didn't need him to like me back. I'm starting to think that I posted it, because I wanted to place a barrier in between me and my feelings, convince myself I didn't like him and couldn't, because I was leaving.
But, his comment on the online acclamation hurt. I was hurt by his jump for joy at Dylan's new relationship. His comment essentially destroyed the barrier I had built up. I was flooded with emotions. He told me that he couldn't go on a date with me because it had only been a couple of months since our break up, and they happen to be very close friends. But he knows Dylan moved on the second we ended. So what is the issue? Dylan already has another girlfriend, which means that he is just using Dylan as an excuse. Which means he's skirting again. Which makes me question why he doesn't just tell me that he's just not that into me.
He Changed His Mind
He changed his mind. I figured something was up when he didn't answer any of my text messages that same weekend. It wasn't until I brought it up in math (through writing, because I'm terrible at having serious conversations without making it awkward) that he stated to me that he was sorry for the misunderstanding between us and that it was too early since my break up with Dylan. It hit me that it has only been roughly two months since we broke up, and yet it's feels like it's been at least a year because of the way he's cut me out of his life.
The prompt rejection, surprisingly, has not affected me as much as I thought it would. Though I was hurt at first (it felt like a slap in the face), I had nothing to cry about, or over and later, I was surprisingly fine. The idea of having a relationship is, for me, currently nonexistent. I don't know why, but when he said we could be friends, it was all I needed to hear. Sure, it wasn't nearly as sweet as a 'yes' would've been, but it was good enough for me. And maybe it was because at this point I'm happy that at least one of the groupies is still talking to me. Or maybe I didn't like him as much as I thought I did. I was more affected by the fact that I wish he had said no in the first place, it would've hurt less. But what is a girl to do, right? I'm happy to have my friend still.
And yet, I heard from a little bird that he was talking to Dylan's brother and friend that same week, so maybe that's what changed his mind. It would make the world of sense if that was true. But the point is that he changed his mind, and that he doesn't see me as anything more than a friend. So I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie as friends, like I've done a hundred times with my guyfriends back home, and he said yes. But now, apparently, he doesn't think that I can hang out only as friends, that I'll take it to mean something more. I can, I know I can. I just wish he'd give me the chance to prove him wrong. I hate it that he changed his mind in that respect again. Why can't the boy make up his mind? He thinks he won't hurt me if he skirts around the truth, but saying yes isn't a caring way to say no. I just wish, more than anything, more than him saying yes, that he'd tell me the truth. Why does he say yes to my face and no behind my back? It's worse than saying no altogether.
The prompt rejection, surprisingly, has not affected me as much as I thought it would. Though I was hurt at first (it felt like a slap in the face), I had nothing to cry about, or over and later, I was surprisingly fine. The idea of having a relationship is, for me, currently nonexistent. I don't know why, but when he said we could be friends, it was all I needed to hear. Sure, it wasn't nearly as sweet as a 'yes' would've been, but it was good enough for me. And maybe it was because at this point I'm happy that at least one of the groupies is still talking to me. Or maybe I didn't like him as much as I thought I did. I was more affected by the fact that I wish he had said no in the first place, it would've hurt less. But what is a girl to do, right? I'm happy to have my friend still.
And yet, I heard from a little bird that he was talking to Dylan's brother and friend that same week, so maybe that's what changed his mind. It would make the world of sense if that was true. But the point is that he changed his mind, and that he doesn't see me as anything more than a friend. So I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie as friends, like I've done a hundred times with my guyfriends back home, and he said yes. But now, apparently, he doesn't think that I can hang out only as friends, that I'll take it to mean something more. I can, I know I can. I just wish he'd give me the chance to prove him wrong. I hate it that he changed his mind in that respect again. Why can't the boy make up his mind? He thinks he won't hurt me if he skirts around the truth, but saying yes isn't a caring way to say no. I just wish, more than anything, more than him saying yes, that he'd tell me the truth. Why does he say yes to my face and no behind my back? It's worse than saying no altogether.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)