18 already?

So I'm finally 18. How strange is that? And like every year, nothing drastic has changed. In fact, I'm almost sure everything is exactly the same. Except for the fact that I'm now considered an adult. An adult! I still feel 15, and definitely not a senior.

My birthday was great though! I spent it at school on tuesday, but it was an easy day. No major plans, no fancy celebrations, just a simple day at school with friends followed by a small dinner with my mom and little sister. Oh, and cake. Loads of cake!

I received two gifts: the last Heroes of Olympus book (!!!) and beats headphones. I was actually surprised at the second since I had never really wanting them (enough to pay the price!) but it was a happy surprise :) 

What made it special was that I was surprisingly hopeful the whole day. I couldn't stop smiling! And I got birthday wishes from a special someone, so that was great too! I think this will be a great year. Prom, graduation, college... And lots of fun (+stress) in between. 

And my friends and I are going to Disnelyand Paris tomorrow! I've always imagined how fun going to Disney with friends, so it will be great! And Ella hasn't been so we're riding ALL the classics! And for dinner, none other than Café Mickey :D I'm definitely psyched. 

December Thoughts

How time flies. Seriously though. It feels like only yesterday I was entering a new school for the fifth time, or so, in my life, and now I am almost entirely integrated. Whereas before I was stressing over college apps, today I am procrastinating studying for my December exams that continue tomorrow. I still have applications to complete, but they are not due for three more weeks, so I will spend all of next week completing them before travelling to Mexico for Christmas to spend time with my extended family. I have to admit that I do miss the white winters of the U.S. as here in Belgium the days are rainy, drizzly and in general dark and cloudy. But I like the social environment here: I have friends all over the place and am in plenty of after-school activities. I have even been asked a couple of times how I manage it! I guess not being part of the IB helps, not that it was my choice anyways...

I have made a couple of great friends though and now it seems silly that I ever doubted I would, perhaps moving does that to people.. Particularly those who struggled the last two years (aka me). And I've been asked if I like anybody too! I honestly have no idea how to answer that question..  Do I find some boys attractive? Yes. No doubt about that! But I feel everyone has their back story and 'It's Complicated' relationships that I can't assimilate into the crowd. Do I know anyone enough to like them, though? I don't know. And it may seem like I'm merely avoiding the question altogether, but I honestly have no clue. I guess I'm just being cautious, especially after what happened last year with a certain someone who didn't like me back. No need to repeat the past, especially if I'm a Senior who is about to go on to college in the U.S., right? I don't know that either. Am I losing opportunities by holding back? I know my father's answer to that question: no. He even told me to not lose my head during my last year as I wouldn't want to lose the few friends I've managed to make. But why not? There's another question I can't answer. Plus, a friend mentioned that a couple of boys find me to be 'cool', whether this means they might like me, I don't know either! Too many unanswered questions that do nothing to soothe my curiosity. But it would be nice to know if there was someone out there who loved me.

Speaking of love, my little sister told me the other day that Alex told her he liked me when he visited over the summer! She's six, so what does she know, right? Probably more than society gives her credit. He was my first kiss, and they do say that you never forget your first, but how silly would it be if in a distant future, after college, we somehow found each other?! All speculation, I know, but it seems too good to be true, too good to ignore, as ironic as that sounds.

Anyways, Christmas is right around the corner! 'Tis the season to be merry. And then it's 2015: graduation year, and then AP Exams and College acceptances/rejections... and then graduation! It's all happening so fast and I can't control it. My last year of high school is already half over, according to some, 2014 was my hardest academic year in high school, and it's already coming to a close! It's all very thrilling, and terrifying at the same time. I guess we'll have to wait and see how it all unfolds.

Summer is Ending

It's almost here. Senior year is almost upon us. Isn't that a terrifying thought? All that occupies my mind now is college applications and essays, an upcoming TOEFL test to prove my proficiency in English, SAT subject tests and improving my scores. It almost seems a little ridiculous that there is still so much to do outside of regular schoolwork. It's funny because, in a way, it doesn't feel like summer should be ending. It certainly does not feel like the fifth of August, but rather the fifth of June. I can't believe it's been a month and a half since Alex visited, nor can I believe it's been five weeks since my family's road trip to Cape Cod and Boston. And while all of my friends are tackling their large piles of summer homework, I feel like I am living in the doldrums.

Of course, I'm supposed to be working, slowly catching up on missed Chinese homework, and furthering my studies. I am also supposed to be starting my college apps, but clearly I am procrastinating with those too. Even my goal to lose weight has hit a stand still as my frantic exercising from the beginning of summer has come to a grinding halt. As usual, it is about the time of summer in which I am anxious to begin learning again, and to do something, to have a daily routine. Sadly, school doesn't start for another three weeks. I guess for most, that's one of the perks of moving to a new school in a country with a different system but I will soon be bored out of my mind. I am excited to meet new people, start with my classes, learn something, but most importantly escape a city that is slowly but steadily becoming dull.

See, this is why I have conflicting feelings. I don't want to leave my friends and I will miss them terribly once I do, but I wish we were all in any other city. Half of me is still in denial about the move, while the other half wishes I could leave already. But it still has not sunk in that it is already August of my Senior Year in high school.

Something Old

I had to empty my locker of books for my trip to Belgium in order to finish all of the homework that was assigned. Who would've thought that I would uncover a small skeleton in my closet today though.

The song Dylan wrote for me when we were still together was there. It's funny, he never even sang it to me, so I never correlated a tune to the lyrics. Maybe that is why I never grew attached to it. The song was very sweet, but all I remember feeling when I received it was a little disappointment. Of course, I was just being petty, a petty teenage girl who just wants to hear the three words that are such an important part of faerie-tales movies. I remember that morning I was frustrated with our relationship and just wanted it to be over, I remember thinking we were practically friends as we never saw each other, so removing relationship labels would ultimately change nothing. I did not realize he would forget my existence the day after. The song in my locker and a rose impeded on my plans to end it and so I was a bit disappointed. It was honestly, all very stupid and childish.

Sometimes I think of how this year would have turned differently if he had actually done what I had hoped he would've. I would have never met my best friends, and would probably have not grown as close to Sarah as I did nor met my Senior friends. In a way, sometimes I regret not having made the change sooner. It would have given me more time with the people who actually care about me and not just about a temporary, high school relationship.

I allowed myself a dramatic close to the matter by burning the letter when I got home. I enjoyed every second. Why not? I had always dreamed about burning something that once held a certain importance to me. Granted, this time there were no imagined roasting marshmallows and the kitchen was filled with ashes I later had to clean, but the intent was there alright. I was happy to be able to be dramatic if only for a second.

Waffles and Dark Chocolate

I visited Belgium this last week, and though missing four days of school has me incredibly stressed out, one should always make time to reflect, huh? Or maybe, I'm just a prolific procrastinator.

I have to admit I absolutely loved it there. Europe certainly has a zesty appeal to it, and with spring right around the corner the weather, flowers and traditional houses definitely helped make the landscape all the more beautiful. We spent the first three days visiting houses to rent. It is funny to me that after looking at thirteen different homes my mother settled with renting the very first one we looked at, the one she didn't like originally though I had pointed out all the benefits. It is a three story home, with six bedrooms, and more importantly is located within walking distance of my new school. I can't imagine having to live thirty minutes driving distance away ever again, not after the last nine years of being late every day. Maybe I'll finally be on time everyday, or even early. Maybe. 

I was terrified about next year's schedule, I thought it would be utterly destroyed. Though half of my classes are with Juniors, my schedule is almost exactly what it would have been here, except for French instead of Chinese and the convenient absence of U.S. History. I even had a day to shadow a girl that had been there since eighth grade, by the name of Anna. Her boyfriend, Zach is a boy I met when I was seven, and he still looks almost exactly the same, albeit more muscular and less childlike but that was to be expected after ten years. It was strange meeting the people I hadn't seen since I was seven, like deja vu, except I had actually been in their presence before. I even met my kindergarten teacher who let me know, after hardly recognizing me, that she still drank her tea out of a mug I handcrafted for her when I was five. My first grade teacher only recognized me because my little sister reminded her of my older sister when she was five. 

Every location we passed, the tiny deli in the corner on our way to the school where we bought freshly squeezed orange juice, the playground I played in when I was six (though the seesaw, and wooden crocodile beam have been replaced) and even the hidden path that took us directly to school, were intensely familiar. My little sister had to remind me not to freak out every time I recognized a new location. The waffles were amazing and who could forget the delicious chocolate! I even brought some back for my friends here to enjoy. I'll certainly miss my friends from Ohio, but the promise of a great batch of friends has made me leave half of my heart there already. I'm anxious to leave now. 

A Great Day

Yesterday was a great day. A great day. It started out annoyingly, though, with a confusing physics lab. One of my closest friends and I were forced to take our data at least three different times because we were over-thinking the point of the experiment. But then everything brightened up tremendously when the cast of this year’s musical received the opportunity to travel to the elementary school to sing a snippet of one of the songs.

There weren't enough seats in the cars on the way there until Dylan’s twin brother Adam volunteered to drive a couple of people there. I decided I might as well go with him since there weren't enough seats anywhere else. Plus James was going with him too, since they’re great friends, and though I keep telling myself that I’m over it, I still have an enormous crush on him. As we’re walking to the parking lot, one of the drivers showed up and said she had two extra spots in her car. That meant only one person had to go with Adam and not all three of us. He motioned for me and another boy to go in the other car so he and James could drive together, but as I worked my way to the car both boys jumped in the car, leaving me and Adam alone. I turned and looked at him sheepishly but he was just staring at the stop sign and checking his watch.

“Alright Cynthia, let’s go” was all he said. I could tell he was disappointed at not being able to drive with James. But, I was determined to make the best of the situation, so I ran with him across the road to the parking lot and jumped in the car. To most it would just be a car ride, but to me it meant everything. See, he and Dylan had completely ignored the fact that I existed ever since Dylan and my break up, so the fact that he was acknowledging my presence meant a lot to me. He probably didn't realize this though. So as we raced in the cold we couldn't help but laugh at our situation. And it got better! In the car we had an actual conversation! Okay, I know how this sounds… I have friends, some friends, I swear.

Once at the elementary I had the chance to see my little sister, but what was wonderful was that Dylan looked at me, smiled, and asked if she was going to be there. He noticed I existed! I never understood the reasoning behind his pretense, especially since he’s had another girlfriend for at least three months now. It was great. During the school day I had a genuine conversation with James too, and it wasn't awkward. It felt like everything was finally back to normal, and I have never been so happy. It was a great day.

Six Months

Six months. I have six months until I leave, and to be perfectly honest, I'm terrified. I had such a hard time making friends here, and though my older sister says the real world isn't anything like CHCA, I am mortified. What if I'm in the same situation as I was here? What if nobody likes me? And worse than that is the fear of leaving my friends behind. It is ironic that I started making close friends the same year I was told I'm leaving. And yet, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I am happy to have become close to them and I will miss them terribly. Some of them even jumped at the chance to offer me their homes to stay in my senior year if I chose to stay, and some times I think of how wonderful it would be to stay and graduate here and I question what the best choice for me would be.

Six months. I just finished my last final exam and time is ticking. It's going to be 2014 for crying out loud! Soon it'll be Christmas and then Valentines Day, then my birthday and Easter and finally it will be summer again. Except this time, I won't be staying in town and I'll be seventeen. I feel like my days are numbered and all excitement at the thought of Europe is gone. Now I'm dreading the day that I'll have to say goodbye.