So amid my non-existent-relationship issues, I questioned the purpose of love and why I had not already moved on. And then I came across a curious piece of insight I wrote for class months ago:
Why Love if Losing Hurts So Much by Cynthia A.
I think love is a key aspect in our relationships with others and with God. However, loving does place us in a vulnerable state because it causes us to open up entirely to another person. Despite the pain of love, I think loving is necessary. The benefits of loving far exceed the costs and the more we allow ourselves to feel and love, the better we will become as human beings. In Shadowlands, C.S. Lewis learns to care for Joy and in doing so becomes a happier man. His love for her also gave her son a father and gave Joy comfort in her final moments. His choice to love not only bettered his life, but the lives of those he grew to care for. I think when choosing to love we must refrain from dwelling too much on the future and consider the state of happiness we are currently in. In the present, the presence of love increases the happiness in our lives as well as the willingness we have to live.
Now if only I could forget the future and live happily in the now... Though reading this made me realize that despite what may or may not happen between me and him, I can't let it define me. I refuse to let myself fall into a pit of despair, especially in my last six months here. I have to live day to day and quit worrying about what the future will bring, because whatever happens, I'll be fine. I'll manage like I've always managed.
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