My father made it known to me recently the fact that I will not be graduating with my friends here in Cincinnati next year. When he first told me that there was a slight chance we were moving yet again, I instantly felt relief. I was not as close to my friend Sadie as I am now, and at the time I didn't believe I had many friends. But now as I reflect upon my experiences here, I am sad to see it all go at the end of the year. I am certainly not looking forward to being a new student my senior year of high school, a year in which most have already shared years of memories with their closest friends, though I don't mind having a clean slate to start with next year. A third of me is already planning ahead, while the rest seems intent on finding a way to stay here.
Though moving to Belgium does throw a wrench in my plans to graduate completing a certain number of AP courses, I realize that this is a great academic opportunity. Of course, I am not so hung up on the fact that I will now be taking IB instead of AP which means that I might need a fifth year of high school to complete the program and get an IB diploma, than I am the fact that my new school will not offer Chinese. And yet these are all tiny details that linger in the back of my mind as I face the more pressing issue of how I will gather the courage to not cry at the end of the school year, despite the fact that I did not spend as much time here as I did in Venezuela. I have to admit that, much to my surprise, I have grown attached to the lifestyle the U.S. has to offer, and I am sad to be losing some of the privileges I gained here, like learning how to drive at the age of sixteen.
I also admit that I am afraid to reveal the fact that I'm leaving to the friends that I do have, in fear that they will start to move on and keep me at arms length away. Though I guess telling them would make it clear to me which of the people that I've spent the last year and a half with are saddened, and which are not bothered at all. I am even more afraid to let him know that I'm moving because I feel like it will ruin any chance (assuming there is one) of him liking me back. I'm scared that he will instantly lose any interest (again, I'm making assumptions) he could have had in me. I kind of want to ask him out on a date first, see how that goes and then tell him afterwards... or just let everyone know at the end of the semester which is sadly, not too far away.
However, my deepest fear about all of this, is that I will start separating myself from everyone else as I did at the end of my freshman year because I had the idea that I needed to start the process early so that it would be easier to cope with when the time came. I do not want to spend my last year here feeling nostalgia and counting the days instead of living them. I hope that I spend my last year well, so I have good memories to leave with, and not regret that I did not participate more than I did. My mentality this during the last 3/4 of my time here is that I have to take risks and put myself out there. It is time that I forget what everyone else thinks of me and do what I want to do. After all, it's my last year here and in the end, the judgmental looks of those that don't like me will be left behind the second the airplane to Europe leaves the ground.
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